What Rules and What Does Not Rule

Referring To A Group Of People As “Bitches”

- Who thinks that this is a funny way to refer to people? Especially when the context in which it used is rarely emasculates anyone, nor does it make the user seem “hard” in any way? I’m pretty sure that gangsters who have just murdered someone during a bank robbery don’t refer to their hostages as “bitches.” I don’t think it’s appropriate to call all of your Facebook friends “bitches” when you are going to Wasaga Beach for the weekend. “Hanging out with my kids, bitches!” “Tanning on some private beach at a honkey-ass resort, bitches!” “Sleeping in while you people with real jobs and real lives are at work, bitches!” The fact that I’m not a useless degenerate doesn’t make me a bitch, it makes you a piece of shit. Have some god damn respect.

-Shehzaad

Other People’s Blogs*

- You know you’ve gotta shut up.

-Shehzaad

*Not ours.

Root Beer

- Root beer is like that friend that you never call, whose birthday you always forget, who you never invite out with the rest of your friends, whose number you never save in your phone, but as soon as you need them, they’re there, and they are the god damn best friend you’ve got. I’m not entirely sure I know anybody who fits that description, and I feel sorry for whomever can be described this way, but who the fuck wants root beer all the time? Not me. But when I do, does it EVER rule!

-Shehzaad

That Place On College With The Ferrero Rocher Gelato

- Is there anything more delicious? It beats the shit out of Dolce, that’s for sure.

-Shehzaad

Chicks Who Complain About Only Ever Dating Shitty Dudes

- There’s a solution to this problem: STOP DATING SHITTY DUDES. I know that some of you are going to argue that guys do this with dumb girls by dating dumb girls all the time, and that’s true, but guys are not nearly as vocal about it. Guys at least take solace in the fact that they are, hopefully, getting sex out of their particular arrangement. Girls just continually complain - to their friends, on Facebook, in their blogs, whatever - about how the guys they date are dicks. No shit. The guy in the polo tee with frosted tips and board shorts? He’s a dick. The guy with a goofy haircut, a deep V and bad tattoos? He’s a dick. The guy with the nice car and the gold chain? He’s obviously a dick. The guy dressed like a normal person who you can actually have a conversation with and who doesn’t just want to sleep with you and legitimately wants to hang out even if just to be friends? He might be a total pussy, but he’s not a dick. And if you can’t see that, frankly, you and whatever dick you happen to be dating deserve each other.

-Shehzaad

White Castle

- I fully understand why the asian guy and the brown guy wanted these burgers so badly. Are they EVER delicious. And somewhat cute and novel due to their size.

-Shehzaad

Referring To Food As “Noms”

- How old are you? Why are you saying “om nom nom” at a table with other adults, at a restaurant owned and operated by adults? They worked for this, and that’s the respect you’re going to show them? Get out of my entire life.

-Shehzaad

Tim Armstrong

- Other than that stupid hippie from Counting Crows, I don’t think I hate anybody more than Tim Armstrong. Not only is Rancid one of the shittiest bands ever, and partly responsible for spawning some more of the shittiest bands ever, but his label, Hellcat, is by far the worst record label on the entire planet. Going beyond that, what the fuck is the matter with his voice? Why does he try so hard to sound like Joe Strummer? Mother fucker is from Los Angeles, not ANYWHERE NEAR THE UK. If someone had to die for some reason, I would hope that it would be Tim Armstrong.

-Shehzaad

Free Parking

- Are you kidding me? You’d sooner find an oasis in Death Valley than free parking in Toronto.

-Shehzaad

Parking Tickets

- Is there any bigger scam in the world than parking tickets? We fought for this land, and we should have the right - the privilege - to park wherever the hell we want. Also, meter maids need to get real jobs or become real cops, because no one is buying this shit.

-Shehzaad