July 2011
1 post
What Does Not Rule:
Referring To A Group Of People As “Bitches”
- Who thinks that this is a funny way to refer to people? Especially when the context in which it used is rarely emasculates anyone, nor does it make the user seem “hard” in any way? I’m pretty sure that gangsters who have just murdered someone during a bank robbery don’t refer to their hostages as...
June 2011
13 posts
What Does Not Rule:
Other People’s Blogs*
- You know you’ve gotta shut up.
-Shehzaad
*Not ours.
What Rules:
Root Beer
- Root beer is like that friend that you never call, whose birthday you always forget, who you never invite out with the rest of your friends, whose number you never save in your phone, but as soon as you need them, they’re there, and they are the god damn best friend you’ve got. I’m not entirely sure I know anybody who fits that description, and I feel sorry for...
What Rules:
That Place On College With The Ferrero Rocher Gelato
- Is there anything more delicious? It beats the shit out of Dolce, that’s for sure.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Chicks Who Complain About Only Ever Dating Shitty Dudes
- There’s a solution to this problem: STOP DATING SHITTY DUDES. I know that some of you are going to argue that guys do this with dumb girls by dating dumb girls all the time, and that’s true, but guys are not nearly as vocal about it. Guys at least take solace in the fact that they are, hopefully, getting sex out of their...
What Rules:
White Castle
- I fully understand why the asian guy and the brown guy wanted these burgers so badly. Are they EVER delicious. And somewhat cute and novel due to their size.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Referring To Food As “Noms”
- How old are you? Why are you saying “om nom nom” at a table with other adults, at a restaurant owned and operated by adults? They worked for this, and that’s the respect you’re going to show them? Get out of my entire life.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Tim Armstrong
- Other than that stupid hippie from Counting Crows, I don’t think I hate anybody more than Tim Armstrong. Not only is Rancid one of the shittiest bands ever, and partly responsible for spawning some more of the shittiest bands ever, but his label, Hellcat, is by far the worst record label on the entire planet. Going beyond that, what the fuck is the matter with his voice? Why...
What Rules:
Free Parking
- Are you kidding me? You’d sooner find an oasis in Death Valley than free parking in Toronto.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Parking Tickets
- Is there any bigger scam in the world than parking tickets? We fought for this land, and we should have the right - the privilege - to park wherever the hell we want. Also, meter maids need to get real jobs or become real cops, because no one is buying this shit.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
The Wendy’s In Frederick, Maryland
- So it’s like midnight and we’re starving just outside of Baltimore, looking for a place to eat, when we all see a Wendy’s sign and get super stoked. We drive up to the drive-thru, hoping it’s open, and lo and behold, it is! There’s five of us in the van, so we start giving the lady on the speaker our separate orders, and...
What Rules:
Coconut M&Ms
- It’s exactly what you think it is, and it’s exactly as delicious as you think it is.
-Shehzaad
What Rules:
Using A TTC Day Pass For A Week
- Not only are you saving money, and not only are you awarded the convenience of having a real metropass, but you’re screwing over the TTC, which in itself is both a source of immense pleasure, and cause for applause for and from people like myself.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
“Patio Season”
- I get that being outside is nice, but qualifying the appeal of good weather via the option to drink outdoors is sort of low brow. It’s not quite the same as, “Hey, it’s nice out, so I’m going to ride my bike!” or “Hey, it’s not snowing anymore, so let’s go to the beach!” is it? This is more like, “Hey,...
May 2011
1 post
What Does Not Rule:
Getting Robbed
- Seriously. Fuck you.
-Shehzaad
April 2011
12 posts
What Does Not Rule:
People You Love Moving Away
- It’s stupid, and I wish they wouldn’t do that. They should really consider how this affects you before they make decisions like that.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
The Strokes
- Last year, I went on a bit of a rant about how The Strokes should not be allowed to become arena rock mainstays solely by virtue of their one good album, which will be ten years old this summer. Yet, here we are, and their fourth album is finally upon us, a gift from the cool gods for the Urban Outfitters generation to play at their loft parties and thrift store excursions. The band...
What Rules:
“The Score” by The Fugees
- This album has had its fair share of praise heaped on it, and it certainly isn’t a hidden gem by any means. But unlike a lot of records that fade over time, The Score hasn’t aged a day in fifteen years, and even in the midst of dozens of other landmark albums from its time - it came out the same year as Stakes Is High, Legal Drug Money, Beates,...
What Rules:
Walnuts
- Things walnuts make way better: Muffins, banana bread, chocolates, cereal, pie, carrot cake, oatmeal… The list goes on. There’s never a time where walnuts make anything worse, that’s for sure. Unless you’re allergic to them. In which case they make things a LOT worse.
-Shehzaad
What Rules:
Finding Chunks Of Delicious Stuff In Your Ice Cream
- Nothing screams “Score!” like excavating a big chunk of cookie dough, or a praline, or an Oreo cookie, or a brownie out of your ice cream. It’s what you came for, and you’ve unearthed the treasure you’ve worked so hard to seek out. Victory is rarely sweeter than this.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Dumb Comments:
I’m not sure why there’s this compulsion to tell people they look tired. People know they’re tired. You’re not letting them in on anything. Plus, when you’re telling them that, what you’re really telling them is that they look bad. So again, preesh. And what if they’re not tired? They just look shitty and don’t even have fatigue to...
What Does Not Rule:
Brown Jokes
- I think I’m pretty tolerant of racist jokes, and given my ethnic denomination, I’m usually on the receiving end of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a racist. It’s one of the few true pleasures I take in life. What I take offense with is flat out bad, uncreative, unimaginative jokes about my being brown. The thing about racist jokes is that it’s...
What Does Not Rule:
Chris Brown Still Having A Career
- All jokes aside, I think it’s pretty absurd for this to be the case. The guy has faced virtually no repercussions or punishment for the assault and battery of a woman. It was also a woman that many people love and identify with in the media, so you’d think that would have a bit more of an impact on people (it shouldn’t matter either way, but...
What Does Not Rule:
Clicking “Not Attending” On Facebook Events
- If you don’t plan on going, why don’t you just remove the event from your list? Isn’t it kind of a dick move to show everyone how many people aren’t going to a particular event? Think of how the event organizer might feel about that. Sure, they may have invited their entire friend list or group or whatever, but...
What Does Not Rule:
Groups Of Young Girls
- Now, I’m aware that a group of young boys is also annoying, but groups of young girls (and I mean up to the age of, like, 20) can reach a volume that males of any age bracket only wish they could hit. And what are they talking about? Bullshit. Just bullshit. This makes me sound sexist (and what’s wrong with being sexy?), but it’s an objective truth that...
What Rules:
“Kiss From A Rose”
- If there is a song with more soul and emotion, then I haven’t heard it, it isn’t called “Kiss From A Rose,” it’s not sung by Seal, and I could not give a shit about it. BAY-beyahhhhh….
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Cats
- Let’s get real here for a second: Cats are jerks. They’re cute sometimes. I don’t even dislike them, really. But they are definitely jerks. And anyone who likes a cat more than a dog is a jerk themselves. Who doesn’t like dogs? Who would rather hang out with a cat? That’s like preferring to hang out with a friend who doesn’t like you, never wants to hang...
March 2011
48 posts
What Rules:
George Clooney in From Dusk Til Dawn
- Arguably his coolest role ever, and that’s saying a lot. I wish the Cloon would go back to playing a bad-ass anti-hero role like this one, instead of his calm and collected, ultra-cool-and-charming go-to role. I mean, any Clooney is good Clooney. I just wanna hear him say shit like, “Everybody be cool. You. Be cool.” And that tattoo! So...
What Does Not Rule:
When Grocery Stores Have Every Other Type Of Honey Bunches Of Oats Except The One You Want
- Man, there’s almond, pecan, strawberry, vanilla (!?), and all this other malarkey, but no peach?! Go to hell! How am I supposed to start my day off right without this shit!? FUCK you, local grocers!
-Shehzaad
Who Rules:
Humphrey Bogart:
- He rules for many reasons. This is one of them.
- james
Who Does Not Rule:
Naysayers:
- I can’t stand the people who have to contradict those who are trying to get the word out about a valid cause. All the people (not just Republicans) who have spoken out against Al Gore and his Inconvenient Truth could not be bigger dicks. If Al Gore has started a fire under the ass of the general population and as a result they are trying to save the planet, who cares if the...
What Does Not Rule:
That Quote ‘Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain’
First off, can we find a new inspirational quote? What happened to that kitten on the branch with “hang in there”? Does that not say it all?
Also, nobody (with the exception of Gene Kelly or Backstreet Boys in that one video) is dancing in the rain! So cut the...
What Rules:
The Guitar Solo In “Soma” By The Smashing Pumpkins
- This solo pretty much gives everything they did after 1995 a free pass.
-Shehzaad
What Rules:
Clean Sheets
- Nothing better than sheets that just came out of the dryer, smelling all fresh and shit. The worst, however, is having to put your sheets ON when you’re tired as hell. That does not rule. No, sir, it does not. I don’t care how many sheets of Bounce are in there, nothing is making me put those sheets on when all I wanna do is pass out. Don’t even get me started on...
What Rules:
Converge
- I don’t think I will ever grow tired of this band, even though I may not listen to them as often as I did as a teenager. Even if you don’t particularly like their newer albums, or if you have a favourite that you stick to, you can’t deny that they’re still far and away the best at what they do. They continue to push boundaries and to lap every single one of...
What Does Not Rule:
This Faux-Bob Dylan/Neil Young Horseshit
- Enough. Enough with the plaid, enough with the horn-rimmed glasses, enough with the seven- or eight-piece band, enough with the clapping and the singalongs, enough with the immaculately disheveled hair, enough with the gravely voice, enough with the shaggy beards, enough with the shitty music that is desperately trying to come off as “honest”...
What Rules:
The Subway Scene In Predator 2
- Arguably the best scene in the movie. Well, apart from the trophy room, and the part where the predator heals itself. And Gary Busey in the meat locker. Man, sweet movie.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
“Swag”
- Another reason to hate this Odd Future bullshit. The last thing white people need is more slang to overuse and bastardize the English language with. Past instances include: still, seen, link, reach, next, and plenty more. Let’s put the kibosh on this one before it gets out of hand.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Dreaming About Something Awesome Then Waking Up
- Nothing makes your day look like a piece of shit more than having a dream about something you want to do, and then waking up and realizing that it never actually happened. I really wanted that handjob from your mother, and now I have to wait all week to get it.
-Shehzaad
What Rules:
Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins
- Is there anything better? Trick question: No there isn’t. It’s on the same level as blueberry banana bread in that it takes two things that are amazing and fuses them together to make a delicious breakfast treat. I’d take it over a handjob from your mother, and that’s saying a lot!
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
This Rebecca Black Bullshit
- Now, obviously the song doesn’t rule. What I’m talking about is people going on and on about how much it sucks. Here’s the thing: So does everything else on the radio. How is this song any different than “Teenage Dream” or some other auto-tuned bullshit? It is, admittedly, a bit worse, but not by that much. Maybe if Akon never got...
What Rules:
Anthrax’s “Among The Living”
- Not being particularly into metal, I dunno if this album is overrated or over-exposed or anything. I know it’s highly regarded, but I find that it’s referenced a whole lot less than any albums by the other three big thrash bands. Why? This album fucking rules, and it’s not saddled with the ultra-serious machismo of the Metallica...
What Rules:
Milkshakes
- Strawberry? Chocolate? Banana? I don’t care! Just put it in my mouth!
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
Metro
- For you non-Canadians, I’m talking about the grocery store formerly known as Dominion. What is up with this place? Nothing is ever in stock, their selection of cereals is piss poor, their produce is limited and never good, their meat is always bad, it seems like their dairy products are always days away from expiring, and the second anything goes on sale, it’s off the shelf...
What Does Not Rule:
Referring To Days As “Sleeps”
- If you’re not a sixteen year old girl and you refer to the days between now and some event that’s important to you as “sleeps,” then you’re probably a) an idiot or b) a fucking idiot. You’re an adult. Cut that shit out.
-Shehzaad
What Does Not Rule:
St. Patrick’s Day
- If there’s anything morons don’t need it’s another excuse to get drunk. I don’t even want to go on, I just want everyone wearing green outside my window to shut the fuck up.
-Shehzaad
This Rules:
“Stupid babies need the most attention!”
- james
What Rules:
G-Mail Checking Your Email For Attachments
- Google rules for a variety of reasons, but one new reason I just discovered is that G-Mail will check your message to someone to see if you’ve said something like “I’ve attached” somewhere in the message. If you’ve said that, and you haven’t actually attached a file, it will alert you of this. How awesome is that?...
What Does Not Rule:
People Who Only Message You To Invite You To Their (Shitty) Events
- I don’t think there is any better indication of someone’s non-friendship than a message that - condescendingly and insincerely - starts off with a “Hey man, haven’t seen you in a while!” and then proceeds to say, “You should totally come hang out at my...
What Rules:
Apple’s Customer Service:
- After (finally) getting the iPhone 4 (Rules, btw), I had to return it today for a replacement due to some hardware issues. After dealing with the super nice phone support staff, I went for my appointment at the Apple Store. Not only were they right on time, they didn’t need to fuss about with looking for receipts, calling Store Managers over for...
